November 28th, 2009
Make Me Choose
Do you know any people who are much more jealous of their freedom than of their lovers?
Transcriptorial: don't even try / to make me choose
Subscribe/Follow
-
Random Comic ★
Do you know any people who are much more jealous of their freedom than of their lovers?
I am. A lover who flirted with other people wouldn’t bother me, and I don’t see anything inherently wrong with an open relationship… but just try and keep me together with someone who never lets me have a moment to myself, and you’ll see how protective I am of my freedom.
I like this picture. It’s like a cloud or a Rorschach test. I can’t tell what, if anything, it is supposed to look like. It really seems as if it’s meant to be something in particular, but my mind can’t quite make anything out of it. I suppose that could be a metaphor… don’t even try to make me choose a single meaning for this work of art…
I did mean for it to be ambiguous, in that black & white optical illusion kind of way. Anyway, it’s a a photo of a woman’s shoulder, neck and bra strap, with a little hair and a little shirt & collar open. I turned it black and white, turned the contrast way up, then essentially made it just one tone to get the effect you’re describing. In that optical illusion fashion, I find the outer slope of the shirt looks kind of like a profile, someone wearing a big elf hat. Anyway, it’s wide open to interpretation. That’s something I like about the comments: getting to see what other people make of things.
…Also me. Lovers are nice, but our independence is what makes us human.
Somerled, I have often wondered if you are/were a therapist. Then I realised that I was “transferring.” (And that if you are, you wouldn’t tell us, grin.) Art is certainly therapeutic, and we each see what we bring to it. But yes. Rorscharch (sp?)would approve.
I “know” many people today who are more concerned with their freedom than with relationships, roots or emotions. They see love and family as traps, and are more interested in “experiences” than in people. I have heard it said, repeatedly, that three years is all they can give to a job/relationship/friendship. I wonder how they will feel ten, fifteen, twenty years down the line when they are no longer young and begin to feel lonely.
You don’t have to be together every moment to have a relationship. That’s one of Hollywood’s misconceptions (the other being, that when sexual attraction diminishes the relationship is over.) In fact, the Spartans decreed that man and wife should only be together for meals and sleeping or whatever. A healthy relationship includes spaces for independence, just as good music includes pauses and rests. Perhaps that is why Bach’s Oratorios are still sung today, while the “top 10″ of last year are mostly forgotten.
Sorry friends. I’m feeling a bit more philosophical than usual.
Modern society seems to be becoming more and more individualist every day.
I think to a certain extent, this is reflected in the relationships of many of my friends. There is less of an “us” or “we” and more of a “me and him.”
Word, rb. I don’t know if I have mentioned this here before, but I find the interest in vampires as romantic objects very revealing. A vampire lives by devouring their chosen victim, sucking the blood from them. Are they saying that a relationship is only valid as long as it feeds “me” at the expense of “you”? I hear again and again that if “I” am not getting something out of it, if it’s not about me and my needs, it’s time to move on.
The Amoeba also lives by absorbing those creatures it encounters.
ever made anyone choose?
I wish I didn’t.
Trouble with handing out an ultimatum like this is that the person forced to choose may well choose the other option, not you. And I think that’s what this drawing is saying; if you are so insecure or unhappy that you have to say “It’s me or (whatever)” you had better be prepared to have the other person choose whatever over you.
Yes, sometimes we need stability as I mentioned in my other post. But too often ultimatims are a form of manipulation.
Very thought-provoking, Somerled.
So true. Makes me think of when I see guys on T.V. or whatever having trouble with the “it’s me or the dog” scenarios. I always think, “You know, just pick the dog. He was there first and he won’t make you choose.” Even if they do love the woman that much, they’ll end up resenting her afterwards. So, it’s probably just a good rule of thumb to always pick the dog.
Oh. Then there’s this guy I know (friend of a friend). His girlfriend gets mad at him if he goes on business trips. Or out with his friends. Or works too much. Or doesn’t spend enough time with her (not his) kids when he’s home. And this guy’s so desperate to get married and have a family, he’s willing to put up with all of it. Mark my words: it won’t end well. I just hope they don’t get married before they figure that out.
I was looking in the archives for earlier pages, from 2003 and other years, and they’re gone. Is there any way I can see them again? I love reading all of these over sometimes.
It’s great to hear from someone who has been following Secret Vespers from the early days.
Late in 2006 I changed to a WordPress-based layout. The old design had a white background. I had to re-enter all the pages manually and date the entries to after the date of the switch. So a lot of stuff from before October, 2006 is still there, just elsewhere on the site.
The Internet archive says (I had forgotten) that the first secretvespers.com post was in April, 2006. I think that is when I got the domain name. Before that, I posted, e-ghetto style, to a server in my basement. By “server” I mean an old Pentium III machine. I don’t think I was writing as early as 2003, but I guess that’s academic now. I averaged about four hits a day before 2006. If you remember Secret Vespersthen, then you were 25% of my audience on some days.
Over the years, a few entries have quietly retired. Some of them were just in a different font from the one I use now, and I haven’t bothered to re-type them yet. Others, I don’t know… we’ve all got regrets.
If there’s a thing you’re looking for in particular, email me at somerled@secretvespers.com and if you describe it, maybe I can find it on the site for you. If you email your full name and address, I’ll mail a few postcard-sized prints to you, and a zine, too.
I sent you an email… I don’t know if you got it. In particular I’m looking for the one that says, “If we speak quietly enough, I just know we will hear each other.” It’s a picture of a landscape w. a red sun.
I’m afraid one day the boyfriend I love & adore will try & make me choose…
I already know what my choice would be.
The empty space left by him, could be filled with adventure& travel
The empty space left by choosing chains, could never be filled.
If you see permanence as chains, is that love and adoration?
It sounds like you’ve already chosen.
A piece of advice I remember from a well-known Seattle sex columnist: “If you break up, you’ll have a couple of horrible rock-bottom years, but in the long term you’ll be grateful you did it. If you stay together, you’ll spend the rest of your life like this. Just like this.” He was talking about a particularly awful compulsive relationship, but I think many of us tend to avoid breaks that are good for us because we don’t want to deal with the immediate pain or inconvenience.
But if you get yourself free you can enjoy this gem with extra heart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpugOJqGFb8&feature=related
And this one with glee: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVXX6NFpcT8
Oh, yes, Flower–I don’t mean that anyone should stay in a demeaning, violent or codependent relationship. Sometimes indeed we have to save our souls alive. We have a proverb: Better alone than in bad company.
Living in shit was comforting for me for as long as it was possible. And the good kind of bad company is often the very best kind.
Feelings of entrapment might not reflect reality on the ground, but sometimes you have to learn the hard way.
I hope you enjoyed the clips! I have been replaying the Muppets covering Paul Simon for weeks. And I think the song is appropriate to the image, because I think bra lady is being rather seductive, no?
I can be, I suppose. I have certain things I want to try to achieve, and I have yet to find something (or one) that would take me from those. The only person who had tried to make me choose lost me, and much as it hurt I don’t regret it.
Maybe I am cold, but would have to be a very amazing person to even have a chance of me giving up my freedom. I like my ability to run.
Cue up ‘Today’s Tom Sawyer’ (Rush)
‘Even if you did not choose, you still have made a choicxe!’